An Update to my Surgery Residency Search

I left my dream residency a few years ago in ill health, and I did not, for the life of me, want to be a patient. So I procrastinated on seeking treatment. I had become used to being a physician who diligently and compassionately tended to the needs of his patients, but I did not initially have the guts to carry out what was necessary when my role was reversed to that of a patient. Away from Surgery, my life lacked purpose, and an abiding darkness shrouded my days. The cruelty of life is the free choice we are given, as it can be harnessed responsibly for good or frittered wastefully into emptiness. The emptiness of my existence built on itself and eroded who I once was – physician, son, brother, athletics enthusiast, and so on. Nothing mattered anymore as I progressed into a learned helplessness. To pick up this laptop and write would have been a colossal undertaking. Sometimes, I would go for a 5-mile run, perform 60 meter sprints at the local track, or lift weights at the gym; but beneath it all I felt displaced.

Finally, in this past year things changed. I sought treatment, fulfilled my responsibilities, and worked up the moral courage to assert my true self – at the core, a physician who loves Medicine with all of his being. Humbly, I began making inroads into eradicating the destructive force that nihilism had wrought. I made small steps, the most important of which was to acquire work as a GrubHub driver. If I succeed in my life plans 10 years on, I will look back to GrubHub driving as a pivotal step. Always, there are loud voices in one’s head that shout fear, embarrassment, and paralysis. Exhausted, I did not care for those voices anymore. I drive for GrubHub serving others to the best of my ability.

Recently, I told a former business school classmate of mine about my slow return to purposeful personhood, and specifically that I drive for GrubHub. His response was: “Why are you working for GrubHub. You may as well sell your ass on the internet.” Instead of plunging into self-pity or defensiveness, I chose simply to brush his comment aside.

I’ve been applying to residency vacancies for a few months now, and I’ve gotten several interviews in various forms: on-site, video call, and phone calls. A couple of weeks ago, I got a call from a Surgery program director during an appointment, and my faith in humanity grew stronger. After a long conversation, the program director offered me the position, and I took it.

I’ve been away from Medicine for a while, and this absence makes for a self-evident red flag for every application I send out. During interviews, it is necessarily the primary topic of discussion, and I found myself interviewing quite well despite this. Even so, programs had been unwilling to hire me. The loved ones in my life nudged me on after every rejection, saying “all it takes is one,” and because of them I did not relent.

In the end, they were correct. It took one unexpected phone call for me to find myself back in the world of Surgery again. I could not possibly be more grateful to the program director, or to the supportive loved ones in my life, than I am now. Today, my biggest problems are filling out pre-employment paperwork, securing housing, and planning for the move.

I don’t have much GrubHub time remaining now, but I will continue to make the most of it, partly out of financial necessity, and partly out of gratitude to GrubHub for instilling in me a sense of purpose through work. It could have been any other work that fulfilled this purpose, but for me it was GrubHub.