Doctor GrubHub

It's a lazy morning admixed with calm and dread. 9 AM. I try not to think of how many (few) hours remain in the day and the horror show of the week to come - more Trauma Surgery: Attending surgeons yelling at each other and residents, residents yelling at junior residents, and everybody constantly on edge. There is hierarchical abuse in this particular system. Don't get me wrong: I have appropriate respect for the orderly nature of hierarchies; it's the abuse and incessant displacement of blame I don't care for. Everybody is told to take responsibility, but nobody does. I could go on ruminating over the absurdly dysfunctional nature of Trauma Surgery, in a specialty that one would think requires a practiced coolheadedness, but then I would succumb to the same nerve-fraying, time-sinking vortex of worry as I and my co-residents experience when actually at work. In an unusual turn of events, I have had the bright fortune of having two consecutive weekends completely ...

It's finally here: Moving tomorrow. Fright versus Fortitude. Life flashes. Past errors and triumphs reel in sequence getting to now. Sit and wait. Get up and go. Wait, but consider the beckoning challenges. They taunt and goad. Go, and don't think. "Don't think...Feel. It's like a finger pointing at the moon. Do not concentrate on the finger, or you will miss all of the heavenly glory." Look up at the sky. It is the same sky you will see a few hundred miles away tomorrow evening, momentous and vast, unsettling and quiet. Before bed, you will think about running to help fall asleep. The simplicity of it. Remember you were called "Russian Rocket" in Track. Before the gun goes off, you line up, crouch with head down, and wait for the signal. Can't see the finish line. Crowd hushes. Heart beats against chest wall attempting escape, going nowhere. And then it stills. Time slows to pure silence. No more anticipation or worry. This is where you ...

Large: I've been having these really intense headaches. They only last for a split second and then they're gone. It's like a lightning flash; almost like a surge of electricity and then it's gone. Doctor: You're Gideon's kid. I didn't even put the two together. Large: Yeah. Doctor: I'm sorry about your mother. Large: Yeah. Thank you. Doctor: I must have missed you at Shiva last night. Large: Yeah. Doctor: So how long have these headaches been going on? Large: Well I think I've had them in some form since I was a little kid. But they've been getting more and more frequent over the last year. Doctor: (looking at chart) How long have you been on Lithium? Large: Oh uh, I've been on some form of it since I was ten or so. Doctor: And what about Paxil, Zoloft, Celexa, Depakote; did any of that ever help you? Large: No. I mean I don't know. It's recently occurred to me that I might not even have a problem. Only I'd...

How much time is spent in a room, spine bent in attentive position, reading, writing, and unbending to sleep? Or what do you make of the things on your daily to-do list, written in earnestness, but failed from procrastination? What drama pervades everyday life more exciting than an unexpected e-mail, unveiling new possibilities - "now I must respond decisively, proving my worth." Much daily work is performed in a hip-flexed posture, sitting stationary but restless. Exercise is scrawled on the to-do list but gets passed over for the comfort of bed - an easygoing old friend - and a movie or two. Every few seconds to minutes, a notification pops up, and the attention wanders: GrubHub - More blocks available for Today. Piqued, I think: "Why not? I'll go for a ride." Two orders in, 13 dollars and 25 dollars (good), another comes up for 13. I accept. On closer inspection, it's actually split into two orders from one place, an ice cream shop. In examini...

 I am a cheesecake. Or rather, I have become one. Of course, I'm not actually a cheesecake, but my organ systems are now thoroughly suffused in cheesecake. For the last 6 weeks, I have been on what can only be labeled a 'cheesecake diet.' Let me describe it in further detail, for those interested in trying it themselves (don't). Before I do, I will note that my body weight has remained stably at ~190# despite a change in my overall intake from 'healthy' to 'dessert-based.' At 6'1", this amounts to a body mass index (BMI) of 25.2, shyly breeching into the 'overweight' category. I'm slighly uncertain about this designation. Should I feel insecure? Of course, BMI does not distinguish lean from fat mass, but let's stay on task. Here's the diet: 1. Morning Coffee (!) with milk and 2 sugars, 16-24 ounces; total caffeine content ~250mg Dannon Greek Yogurt * 1 (80 kcal)  2. Afternoon Small piece of chicken Small salad, no d...

Sometimes I drive around with the GrubHub app on and feel the urge to snap a few pictures of the scenery. I roam the city wide with the radio scratching its mystical fuzz as I scan the stations according to mood. Mine is an older car, without satellite radio or bluetooth connectivity, so the choices consist of AM and FM. I could play a cassette if so inclined; or set it to a hollow white noise synced to the electroencephalographic-equivalent beta waves of my unsettled brain. I’m being presumptuous: often while driving my brain activity, like tranquil beach waves coming and going, rests at a rhythmic, relaxing alpha pattern. And so it goes on, until I find NPR.  NPR can be a hit-or-miss. I enjoy their interviews and shows like This American Life, Radiolab, or the Moth Radio Hour. But when they cover controversial political issues, I recede into my shell like a startled turtle. Mostly, I eschew political coverage from any source, as it tends to bitterly divide people a...

I've been away from Medicine and Surgery for a couple of years, addressing health issues, for the most part. Now that my health is restored, I view the world with renewed optimism and am itching to return to my first love, practicing as a physician. I had completed two years of a surgical subspecialty residency which I enjoyed immensely before taking an indefinite medical leave, and eventually my time for returning to the position expired. My approach to The Return has been twofold: Stay busy with work - i.e. GrubHub - as well as fitness, running, and reading for pleasure. Also, when I read, I'm astounded by the gaps in my fund of general knowledge about the world and seek always to remedy it, only to find the gaps expand the more I read. Monitor residency vacancies through several online platforms, including inforesidency , ResidentSwap , FindAResident by AAMC, StudentDoctorNetwork , and a few other specialized sites.  This approach has yielded little as of yet, and ...