Doctor GrubHub

( Note : Specific details of individuals depicted below have been altered for full anonymity. See upcoming article about "Levels of Anonymity in Medicine.") Lately, it seems all I do is scuttle to and fro around the hospital: Emergency room, operating room, clinical wards, emergency room, and so on. A mental checklist reels and menaces in my head, always brimming and never complete. Then, as I scurry from Emergency to the OR, anxiously praying to do things well and on time, I glimpse outside through the vast hallway windows : Mountains stretch the horizon, leaning to kiss low-hanging clouds that blend with the sun into a golden vanilla foam. An elderly man sits by the piano next to an elevator, playing Segovia on his guitar for patients and visitors. A boy in a hospital gown walks by with his therapy dog German Shepherd. His mother beams proudly, smiling with cautious relief ("I'm so glad he is doing better now.") With the mountains, the music, and the bo...

Hospitals with residency programs tend to be large, and residents are usually instructed to park in the most far-flung, inconvenient lots, so I have been walking a lot lately; 15,000 steps per day, on average. I am still getting used to the layout of the place, so I'll often walk in one direction for a bit, only to realize that I'm going the wrong way. So I turn around, and my Garmin logs the extra steps. The pager, once just an inanimate object, without feelings, has become a serial harasser. I've daydreamed about filing a restraining order against it at the local court. Every time it shrieks, the strident sound tears at the middle of my chest - a deep, unquenchable affliction - and I recoil in trepidation at what the ensuing phone call might bring my way. More consults. I have yet to start the previous one. Busywork piles on. I become nauseous, beaten down, resigned to the heavy burden of constant rushing. When the day's work ends, there is no satisfying completi...

It's finally here: Moving tomorrow. Fright versus Fortitude. Life flashes. Past errors and triumphs reel in sequence getting to now. Sit and wait. Get up and go. Wait, but consider the beckoning challenges. They taunt and goad. Go, and don't think. "Don't think...Feel. It's like a finger pointing at the moon. Do not concentrate on the finger, or you will miss all of the heavenly glory." Look up at the sky. It is the same sky you will see a few hundred miles away tomorrow evening, momentous and vast, unsettling and quiet. Before bed, you will think about running to help fall asleep. The simplicity of it. Remember you were called "Russian Rocket" in Track. Before the gun goes off, you line up, crouch with head down, and wait for the signal. Can't see the finish line. Crowd hushes. Heart beats against chest wall attempting escape, going nowhere. And then it stills. Time slows to pure silence. No more anticipation or worry. This is where you ...

Large: I've been having these really intense headaches. They only last for a split second and then they're gone. It's like a lightning flash; almost like a surge of electricity and then it's gone. Doctor: You're Gideon's kid. I didn't even put the two together. Large: Yeah. Doctor: I'm sorry about your mother. Large: Yeah. Thank you. Doctor: I must have missed you at Shiva last night. Large: Yeah. Doctor: So how long have these headaches been going on? Large: Well I think I've had them in some form since I was a little kid. But they've been getting more and more frequent over the last year. Doctor: (looking at chart) How long have you been on Lithium? Large: Oh uh, I've been on some form of it since I was ten or so. Doctor: And what about Paxil, Zoloft, Celexa, Depakote; did any of that ever help you? Large: No. I mean I don't know. It's recently occurred to me that I might not even have a problem. Only I'd...