Doctor GrubHub

When you enter a hospital as a resident for the first time, your world changes. You become a child again - the environment is new, and you must learn quickly just to survive. Orientation is over, and I am on my second clinical day. Incisions have been made and closed. Just a month ago, I delivered food. It seems like ages. Every place has its quirks and politics. I'm not much of a politician. My continued existence here is uncertain, as I am contracted for one year. It's a tryout. What happens after this year lays only slightly in my hands and is left mostly to the vagaries of fate. It is nice seeing fellow residents engaging in banter and enjoying their categorical positions, and I admit to being slightly envious that they have it all figured out. At the very least, they have job security. The flood of emotions from one day to the next is overwhelming. On my first clinical day, I felt like I was back at home where I belonged, assisting in operations and acting as a doct...

Date: Early July, 2019 The sympathetic engine is churning at near-maximal revolutions [sympathetic nervous system: fight or flight response, fear]. At first, it was energizing. Now, I'm learning to ignore the steady trickle of catecholamines and glucocorticoids in my bloodstream. A constant nuisance of fire trucks and police sirens wails in my head. A new threshold has been set. Now we begin. Johns Hopkins Mediccine Residency has begun. Orientation is underway. It is a day that has been long in the making. Nobody could predict how I would end up here, least of all I. A promising, inquisitive, and immature medical student graduated several years ago and began a surgical residency. If not for delays, he would be finishing up and moving onto a fellowship now. Today, he is back at square one: hopeful, invigorated, anxious, and slightly confused. (Have you learned your lessons? If not, life will teach them despite all your cries to stop.) How should I begin? I began...r...

It's finally here: Moving tomorrow. Fright versus Fortitude. Life flashes. Past errors and triumphs reel in sequence getting to now. Sit and wait. Get up and go. Wait, but consider the beckoning challenges. They taunt and goad. Go, and don't think. "Don't think...Feel. It's like a finger pointing at the moon. Do not concentrate on the finger, or you will miss all of the heavenly glory." Look up at the sky. It is the same sky you will see a few hundred miles away tomorrow evening, momentous and vast, unsettling and quiet. Before bed, you will think about running to help fall asleep. The simplicity of it. Remember you were called "Russian Rocket" in Track. Before the gun goes off, you line up, crouch with head down, and wait for the signal. Can't see the finish line. Crowd hushes. Heart beats against chest wall attempting escape, going nowhere. And then it stills. Time slows to pure silence. No more anticipation or worry. This is where you ...

Large: I've been having these really intense headaches. They only last for a split second and then they're gone. It's like a lightning flash; almost like a surge of electricity and then it's gone. Doctor: You're Gideon's kid. I didn't even put the two together. Large: Yeah. Doctor: I'm sorry about your mother. Large: Yeah. Thank you. Doctor: I must have missed you at Shiva last night. Large: Yeah. Doctor: So how long have these headaches been going on? Large: Well I think I've had them in some form since I was a little kid. But they've been getting more and more frequent over the last year. Doctor: (looking at chart) How long have you been on Lithium? Large: Oh uh, I've been on some form of it since I was ten or so. Doctor: And what about Paxil, Zoloft, Celexa, Depakote; did any of that ever help you? Large: No. I mean I don't know. It's recently occurred to me that I might not even have a problem. Only I'd...

How much time is spent in a room, spine bent in attentive position, reading, writing, and unbending to sleep? Or what do you make of the things on your daily to-do list, written in earnestness, but failed from procrastination? What drama pervades everyday life more exciting than an unexpected e-mail, unveiling new possibilities - "now I must respond decisively, proving my worth." Much daily work is performed in a hip-flexed posture, sitting stationary but restless. Exercise is scrawled on the to-do list but gets passed over for the comfort of bed - an easygoing old friend - and a movie or two. Every few seconds to minutes, a notification pops up, and the attention wanders: GrubHub - More blocks available for Today. Piqued, I think: "Why not? I'll go for a ride." Two orders in, 13 dollars and 25 dollars (good), another comes up for 13. I accept. On closer inspection, it's actually split into two orders from one place, an ice cream shop. In examini...

As a child wandering the globe, I brought along a healthy dose of Soviet skepticism. Upon exiting Russia and arriving in the UK at London's Heathrow Airport, I looked around at the Brits and asked "What are all these foreigners doing here?" My parents laughed, finding it 'cute.' In order to acclimate, I read various books handed to me by my parents, and first among these was a general encyclopedia, written in English, of course. Daily I scanned numerous entries with an insatiable drive to understand, while at school the only words I dared utter to my young British peers were "let's go play" (It was the first grade, with plenty of recess built into the curriculum). Unbeknownst to me or my peers, an intricate set of neural processes allowing accelerated learning and memory formation were underway in my ripening 7 year-old brain, and they were made possible by an ancient, highly-evolved need to survive. During sleep, I was terrorized by the recur...

 I am a cheesecake. Or rather, I have become one. Of course, I'm not actually a cheesecake, but my organ systems are now thoroughly suffused in cheesecake. For the last 6 weeks, I have been on what can only be labeled a 'cheesecake diet.' Let me describe it in further detail, for those interested in trying it themselves (don't). Before I do, I will note that my body weight has remained stably at ~190# despite a change in my overall intake from 'healthy' to 'dessert-based.' At 6'1", this amounts to a body mass index (BMI) of 25.2, shyly breeching into the 'overweight' category. I'm slighly uncertain about this designation. Should I feel insecure? Of course, BMI does not distinguish lean from fat mass, but let's stay on task. Here's the diet: 1. Morning Coffee (!) with milk and 2 sugars, 16-24 ounces; total caffeine content ~250mg Dannon Greek Yogurt * 1 (80 kcal)  2. Afternoon Small piece of chicken Small salad, no d...